Merry Do We Meet, Merry We Should Part

Merry Do We Meet, and Merry We Should Part So That Merry Do We Meet Again

An essay on some of the joys and pitfalls of Pagan Community and leadership issues.

Again this weekend I was approached by a person who said to me: What can I do if I’m in a group and it is not meeting my own and some of my friend’s personal spiritual needs?

Well, I told this person that maybe it was time for them to expand, to start their own study group and focus on their own spiritual needs. And what was I told, again? "Oh, no, we can’t do that. It would upset the High Priestess very much and cause issues within the group." They like the group they are in, but their spiritual focus is no longer the same. Forming their own group would be like “slapping the face of the High Priestess” so the High Priestess thinks, and these folks don’t want to piss her off. Seems she is the only show in town right now, and no one wants to cut off their only source of socializing with like minds.

Well, guess what? I don’t think much of your “High Priestess”. If this is indeed the case, she needs to do some soul searching here, and review why she is doing what she is doing. Her purpose is to serve the community, and she should know when to let go. If she doesn’t, then she is no longer doing the community a service, and she needs to do some personal soul searching.

Hiving. The process is called “Hiving”. Once upon a time, when Covens were the only source of group community in the Pagan Community, there would be a High Priest and a High Priestess. When their student gets to a point where they have proven themselves by attaining a Third Degree, they are permitted to “hive off” from the main group and form their own coven. The size of a coven usually determines if hiving off is necessary, as it becomes hard to handle a large group by one HP or HPS. That was the reason for hiving.

But today, with so many folks finding their way to the pagan paths, many groups are “open membership groups” or "open covens" as some call themselves. Finding an open group is a big attraction and many open groups have large memberships. But being an open group also means that folks will join up with your group only to find they do not have as much in common with that group as they thought. It may take only a visit or two; it may take some folks a couple of years to discover this. These folks will eventually leave; it is only a matter of time.

People also grow in different directions. That is the nature of our being; to grow, mature and find our own path. We may walk together for a short time, and then we may find that our paths go separate ways. We may come across each other somewhere else, but for now, it is time for me to walk my way and you to walk yours. This, too, is the nature of individuality and personal growth.

But we find HPs and HPS’ in situations where they have large groups, and they want to maintain it as best they can. Sometimes they see the loss of individuals as personal failure. They were not able to help that person, and they feel they have failed as a HP or HPS. What they forget is that we can not be all things to all people. We have to know our own limitations and accept that.

Sometimes it is a matter of manpower. Large groups seem to have very few “DoBee’s”, or folks who help out at events, socials or with special projects. It is hard for an HP or HPS to allow one or more of their “DoBees” to leave, as it usually leaves the HP or HPS shorthanded to deal with the other “Don’tBee’s”. This is a lack on the part of the HP and HPS to get their group involved in what they are doing. And if the group just does not seem to be getting involved with the projects the HP or HPS is doing, then it is time for the HP and HPS to evaluate what they are doing, and maybe move on to what the Community wants - not what they want.

I am Wiccan and a witch. I work mostly with solitary practitioners. I do not have “my own” group. Personally, I do not have the time to devote to a large group. I am called upon by the solitary community I serve for a number of services, including Rites of Passage as well as some spiritual support. To serve this kind of community, I gave up my right to have my "own" group. This does not mean I don’t teach.

I teach every day. I teach at events, and I work one on one with many individuals in my community. Sometimes it is not teaching as much as it is listening, and allowing someone to come to their own conclusions about their problems or issues. I refer many folks to professional services when I see something is beyond my own abilities to help. Knowing my own limitations is my strength. However, not everyone finds this acceptable. And I realize this.

Some folks want me to hold their hand, lead them down their path and show them every step of the way. I am not here to do what you should be doing for yourself. And I am quick to point that out. It does not always sit well for those kinds of folks, but I am not going to do their jobs for them. That is their responsibility, and that is what the pagan path is all about…. Being personally responsible for your own spiritual growth.

I know that if someone wants information on or to practice, say, Asatru, I suggest they find a group that practices that particular path. I am not qualified to do that. I know my limits, and I will not be everything to everyone. I don’t need to be.

But this does not mean I shut my door to those folks either. My door is always open to anyone who needs to talk about whatever in their lives is an issue. And if someone should find that what they thought they wanted was not what they needed, they are more than welcome to come back and sit and talk some more. Some folks have never been able to grasp the “open door” policy, but they understand that I am there to talk, to offer help when they want it, and to listen and support them when the need arises.

However, that is not how it is working in the general pagan community at all. More often than not, if someone leaves a group, no matter what the reason, they find the door is shut behind them, and they are unable to return.

Or, the opposite happens. They are no long following the path of the rest of the group, and they want to explore, but don’t want to leave the group. They are now becoming a disruption to the rest of the group. They are not happy, and they are causing issues with the rest of the group. The group can no longer focus, and it becomes harder and harder to work together. And the HP or HPS suggest… maybe they should form their own group. They have the strengths to do it on their own, and they have the means necessary to explore their paths on their own. Now they are being kicked out!!! At least, that is how the situation is perceived no matter what the truth of the matter maybe. And as they leave, they shut the door behind, never to return.

In a community built on small grass root communities, some of which are not very local to each other, to have two or more groups in the same general area can be a big benefit to each other. This could allow the pooling of resources, of coming together for events or socials and the open exchange of ideas and information. But what is happening is the slamming of doors, of groups becoming insular with limping resources and frozen ideas. It is the same as though they were inbreeding with their own family… sooner or later the pool becomes stagnant and dies a slow and horrible death.

What should be happening is that folks should realize that growth means going your own way and making your own path. This should be accepted, acknowledged and celebrated as though it was a Rite of Passage within the Community. HPs and HPS’ should let their groups be free to fly on their own, and should allow them to come home to the nest when they need to. Groups should realize that they need to be responsible for their own spirituality and should also know that when they need guidance the parent groups will be there. They are not kicked out; they have instead been released to live on their own.

Groups should co-mingle with other groups. Information can only be shared if we open ourselves up to other sources of wisdom and knowledge. Groups should not get defensive that “so and so has joined the OTHER group” because that can only lead to a wider base of knowledge and resources, not a loss of membership. Doors should swing both ways, in AND out, not in OR out.

We need to open our doors wider, we need to talk to more than just our best friends, and we need to get out from behind the monitor or out from our regular crowd or out of our neighborhood/community and see what the rest of the world is doing. We do this every day when we read a newspaper or watch the TV news, why are we not doing this in our own communities? Why are we so possessive with our communities and why can’t we accept change? The one sure thing in our lives is change, and if we have not gotten that message by now, then we had better start learning it right away, or we are going to be left in the dust.

Mind you, there are elements we do want to keep out of our groups and communities. There are bad seeds in every bunch, and many groups will moderate their membership. There are times when the door should swing out only… and we have all encountered members like that. But that is not what we are discussing here.

As community leaders/elders/facilitators, we need to understand and accept that we can not be everything to everyone. We need to accept that our groups are going to grow and expand, and grow and expand again. But if we continue to cling and exert our domination and smother our groups, one day we are going to wake up and everyone will be gone. Many of them will have a bad taste in their mouths for pagan community and it will be because of you.

As community members and solitaries, we need to be aware of our own personal path before we step into the larger community. We do not join a group because they are “convenient”. We join a group because we are looking for social and spiritual contact and we eventually will find those who have a paths and interests similar to our own. When we see our personal spirituality or interests have gone a different way we need to address our growth. This could be by finding another teacher, or another group, but we should also know that we can always return to our roots, that we are not being shut out, but rather we are being encouraged to grow.

I've heard the excuse that "there aren't many groups here" or "I can't find a teacher". Once upon a time, that may have been true. But if you bother to look in the right places, you will find that there are more folks out there that share your interests and spirituality than you ever imagined. You may have to look around or drive a bit, but we are no longer a community in isolation. This is a personal excuse rather than an acceptable fact. You have to look. You have to ask. We are out there.

On the other hand, we are not that large enough a community that we can afford to cut each other off because someone has an ego problem or we are feeling insecure or unsure. If this is your case, then you need to re-examine who you are and where you are going. If you are a HP or an HPS, an elder or a community leader or facilitator with these issues, you need to go back to your roots and find out just why you are doing what you are doing, and where you lost your way.

However, we are not seeing this happen. It is time for the community to examine why doors are closing all around us and start talking about how to open them back up. Pagan Community, this is your wake up call. We need to grow, not isolate each other or ourselves. We need to remember … Merry do we meet and merry do we part… and merry we will meet again.